People who can’t stay with me.

The recent blog post “people who can’t travel with me” from Ciao Chicago had me dying of laughter and also shedding baby travel tears because it was so true. How often have I not been able to articulate my lack of willingness to travel with certain people or groups for one of those very reasons? I felt guilty or perhaps just plain naive about the shortcomings of some travel companions and I kept my mouth shut while they ruined my trip. Oh… well, no more guilt is the new black. This got me thinking about other travel experiences I’ve had that require a list of ground rules. So, let’s talk about houseguests.

 

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5. No shirt, no shoes, no service.  Well, not exactly, but you can’t just walk around my house bearing all sorts of skin that makes no sense for our actual relationship or your actual attributes. Case: We recently had a houseguest who proceeded to iron his clothing bare-chested in a common room every time he wanted to go out. So, this means man boob first thing in the morning and before heading out at night, multiple times over his stay, all over my house. I’m like, you’re too comfortable, dude. Oh and in a similar vein, know when to cover your feet, depending on how they look and smell. Again, let’s not find out that we’re really not friends during an overshare experience. Shoes (that aren’t tracking mud or dirt through the house) are acceptable and socks will do when shoes don’t. Again, I’m all for “make yourself comfortable” hospitality, but depending on how close we are (or aren’t) and some basics on aesthetic, one guest’s comfort is another host’s cringe.

 

4. Food etiquette. First things first, there’s no pork in my house. No joke, f’real though. I’ll throw that isht out. Don’t get me started on how much it grosses me out, but seriously, ahhh don’t it. But, beyond pork, I think it only makes sense to organize the food situation upfront, esp. if guests don’t have a car. Case: We recently had houseguests who waxed poetic about going to the supermarket to get food early on in their stay, but never actually went. This is fine because I actually know how difficult it is to get to the supermarket and I planned accordingly for their food situation by buying lots of food, b/c they’re tourists they don’t know that they don’t know anything. However, this led to some awkward moments when they showed up from a day trip starving, without transportation, were too scared to ask to eat something in the kitchen, but wanted to hitch hike to a restaurant at midnight that I had to politely inform them was actually closed. Mind you, I had all this food in the house that I clearly bought for them (I don’t eat chicken!) and they’re trying to be Western-style polite, which is at cross purposes with the human need to eat. It was ridiculous. Listen, if I don’t want you to eat food in my house, trust me, you won’t be invited to my house. Would it be nice if you contributed to the food purchase or went to the market to get things you’d like to eat or told me your food plans beforehand? Yes, but being weird about eating and not eating leads to awkward silences three times a day, for the entire length of one’s stay.  I need guests that knock that right out at the beginning, eat out or in or cook or whatever, but every meal shouldn’t feel like a hostage negotiation.

 

 

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3. Shadow. I’ve been this guest, so I know how to easy it is to become. I’ve had this guest, so I know how annoying it can become. This situation occurs when a host thinks you’ve come to visit their city, but a guest thinks they’ve come to visit the host – things get weird. In the interest of full disclosure: I like my personal space and I’m easily suffocated.  I vet my companion lists with scrutiny for each activity presented and if I don’t say ‘the more the merrier,’ it’s not something to be inferred. I’ve had guests who take the ‘I’ll just do whatever you normally do‘ approach and since I don’t normally have a human shadow as I walk around my house in a robe, this methodology quickly falls apart. There is way too much pressure to make my boring daily life touristy and/or entertaining. And again, there are times when the guest really isn’t invited, but there’s a song and dance about leaving them behind so they can go see the sites (which they don’t really want to see alone or they don’t know how to get to) and they look like a sick puppy as you drive away to personal-space-freedom-land. Sigh. Being invited into my home doesn’t inherently mean being invited into every aspect of my life. Just sayin…

 

 

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2. Germophobe scaredy cat. Don’t act like you’ve never seen a roach before. You have. Don’t act like you’ve never killed one before. You have. Don’t act all brand new in my house. I’ve never lived in any place that’s actually clean and has undeniably, safe, potable drinking water. So get over yourself.  While I’m always profusely embarrassed & grossed out when something undesirable creeps in, I can’t help but feel like a grown adult human being should be able to take this in stride. Case: Mozambique is generally clean hygiene wise, but the sewer systems are pretty basic and close to residential areas. Trash pick up isn’t regular. And for some reason, which I’ll blame on the location of our house near a hilly, wooded area, there are huge cockroaches that end up in our house despite having a maid 4 days a week and putting down bait. Mah dude, I’ma need you to just kill it and move on. Why? Because you came to visit me in Southern Africa… or North India… or DC… or NYC… and you know what those places all have in common? They’re on earth, a planet which humans share with roaches, spiders, mice, frogs, lizards, and other things that are small and slimy or gross.  If you want to visit some place that’s spick and span, maybe try some city I’ve never lived in. Or try a town that’s been sterilized just for your visit. Even Disney had a kid get eaten by an alligator… you can’t control ALL the elements. If a cockroach freaks you out, you probably shouldn’t leave your house – ever – and you definitely shouldn’t come to mine.

 

 

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ladybugjellybean

1. My dog lives here. I have a dog. He’s crazy and loud, but he’s mine. I can’t un-own him for visitors’ sake. But, I think some people underestimate their dislike for pets and rather than just say that they’d rather stay in a hotel, they try to control my dog – in his own house. I used to pander to that, but I’m over it. He’s going to jump on you when you walk in the house. He will definitely bark at you. He may try to sit in your lap. Why? Well, because he’s a dog. Poorly trained and all, he still lives here and you don’t. So, we have to get real. If you’re not into pets, then you don’t have to interact with him, but I’m not going to guarantee that he won’t interact with you. Repeat: He’s an animal. Second repeat: He lives here. At this point, folks who don’t like dogs or my dog are totally respected by me to the fullest. I was once one of you. I get it. But, at the same time, you probably shouldn’t stay with me, for obvious reasons.

The end.

 

#musicamondays #MusicMondays (45)

Welcome to the 45th installation of #musicamondays #MusicMondays, which features music from around the globe. Each song is selected to start your week off on the good foot! One still in the bed and the other in another country…

Enjoy Naija pop from Skales. Trust me, by noon you’ll be singing “I’m young and I’m rich and I’m handsome.”

Have a great day ahead!

In Living Colour

I know it happened a few weeks ago, but I went to the Color Run…though in SA I think they really spell it British style with that silent ‘U’ – Colour… any whoo….

One of the best things about living in Southern Africa is South Africa. They say things like “shame” and “now now,” which in American vernacular means “Aww darn” and “as soon as possible, hopefully today, inshallah before the sunsets, God willing and if the Levies don’t break.” One great thing that South Africa has is the great outdoors. There are safaris and treks through the mountains and sea views. Closest to our side of the border in a town called Nelspruit, this girl walked her first 5k in about 7 years. Oh, did I mention that we threw colors on each other the whole way? Ok, well that happened and here’s what it looked like:

If every 5k I walk is this much fun, I just might be enticed to do it more often! To learn more about the Color Run nearest you, see here for the US and South Africa.

Photo and balloon styling credit to the man of the Tembe house.

 

 

#musicamonday #MUSICMONDAY (44)

Welcome to the 44th installation of #musicamondays #MusicMondays, which features music from around the globe. Each song is selected to start your week off on the good foot! One still in the bed and the other in another country…

This Jon Moskowitz mix marries Notorious BIG & Frank Sinatra… ‘Nuff said.

Happy Monday from the legends!

Bringing Zen back…

I’ve been blog quiet lately because I’m at a crossroads. As Lil Wayne said so eloquently (that I simply couldn’t say it any better myself), I admittedly “just built a house on I Don’t Give a F*ck Avenue.” I am officially less than a year away from ending the most challenging professional experience of my life and as I wrap up projects that I started on the day I arrived 2 years ago, I realize that I’m emotionally spent and absolutely burnt out. Being invested in being drained is a business I’ve gotten all too used to.

Unfortunately, now that I’m trying to shift energy to other things I’ve neglected, I’m finding myself stalled and ill equipped. With one foot out the door of my day job and the other not coming to terms with the emotion of doing ethnographic field work, I feel stuck. After brainstorming ways to get unstuck in my last trip to South Africa, I’ve taken on a few new activities to manage my energy and get my Zen back.

I started guided meditation. It’s been a long time since I have had a regular yoga practice. And while I was anxious to get back into the yoga scene in Mozambique, I wasn’t physically ready after a recent surgery. So, I settled for guided meditation thinking I’d find a new group to get mindful with. Instead, it’s one on one meditation with a very cool thespian who is helping me connect with the elements, reunite with my inner child and interpret the images that come to me from my meditation sessions. Kinda hokey, I know, but also very powerful. Tonight, for example, we worked on 3 meditations: Kingdom, Light and Fire. In the interest of time, I’ll summarize just one. My kingdom’s castle ended up being El Mina castle in Cape Coast, Ghana (a Portuguese constructed slave fort that I visited in 2005, just as I started researching the African Diaspora in Brazil) and when I was given robes and a crown to greet my people, I was wearing my doctoral graduation cap and gown (and red Christian Louboutin pumps). When I greeted them, what I was actually seeing from the windows of the top floor was the view from Maputo’s Fortaleza, hence a view of the Port of Maputo, Maputo Bay and the Indian Ocean beyond. In so many ways, my value comes from my research and being an academic who questions African identities and presents them in all their nuance. Pretty powerful and illuminating actually – my illusions of grandeur are just within reach!

 

chat mug by vectored life

Chat mug by Vectored Life

I reserve the right to have no filter. It takes a lot of energy to try to perceive what other people want to hear and then modify speech and content to soothe them. I find that by 9am every morning I’m fresh out of that energy. So, while I was always pretty blunt, these days I reserve the right to have word vomit and forgive myself for it later. Using my energy to appease others feels like a poor use of the little energy I’ve got, but it’s totally freaking people out to get honest answers to their semi-rhetorical questions. Just today, a friend shared with me the great news of her expecting a new baby. I was delighted for her and congratulated her profusely! But, she kept talking… And then she launched into the only logical conversation from there, which is of course asking what I’m doing with my uterus. So, I gave her the no filtered version of what my reproductive organs have been doing lately and shared that I’ve been pregnant before – most recently this year. It ended in miscarriage, but it was a pregnancy nonetheless. All sorts of awkwardness ensued later, b/c I think she thought I wanted consoling. That was a really weird assumption held solely on her part, but I moved on to other more meaningful conversations and back to work. Could I have avoided the overshare? Maybe. But, it’s no secret and it brings me no shame to speak my truth. Frankly, the more I talk about my experiences the more I realize how common they actually are. So, why give the easy answer? This is just one example of my delivering a heavy dose of honesty lately to people who I knew weren’t looking for it. The best I can do is to preface every conversation with fair warnings, like “I really don’t think you want to hear what I have to say,” OR “I’m not human before 10am so if you want to talk now, it’s on you,” OR, my favorite “Do you actually want an answer to that question?” Because, for me, small talk is draining and I’m out here living real life to the fullest.

 

I concentrate on legacy, not success. I’m really into podcasts these days and my absolute favorite is “Asian Efficiency’s Productivity Show.” It’s pretty nerdy stuff on organizational development and productivity hacks, as told by various people who have concentrated on energy management, as well as professional & personal development. One of the most profound was episode TPS102 on Essentialism with Greg McKeown. And the most powerful part was his focus on a 100-year vision. Yes, you heard me right. Eff your 5-year plan. To hell with your 10 year projections. McKeown thinks it really helps people to get away from the urgent minutiae to focus on what it takes to build a legacy that lives on 100 years after we are no more. Fatalistic, I know, but it’s been very transformative for me. Thinking about what mark I want to leave on the world, not just which minor tasks I want to complete today, gives me great inspiration to trudge forward and thrive, not just survive. It’s motivation to get through and past the small stuff, so I can refocus on what matters most to me really and what will matter most for generations to come. Profound right?

 

So, these are my confessions of trying to bring my Zen back – YEAH! (a la J.Timberlake). If you have other relaxation, balance, mindfulness and/or centering techniques to share, offer them in the comments, because word vomit really isn’t very sustainable…

musicamondays MUSICMONDAYS (43)

Welcome to the 43rd installation of #musicamondays #MusicMondays, which features music from around the globe. Each song is selected to start your week off on the good foot! One still in the bed and the other in another country…

Chiwoniso was born in Washington state in the US to Zimbabwean parents and eventually her family returned to Zim. As the daughter of musicians it only made sense that she’d develop a career in the same vein. Unfortunately, it was cut short at a very young age, but her music lives.

 

musicamondays MUSICMONDAYS (42)

Welcome to the 42nd installation of #musicamondays #MusicMondays, which features music from around the globe. Each song is selected to start your week off on the good foot! One still in the bed and the other in another country…

For my lovers of house music, I think you will enjoy South Africa’s DJ Mobi Dixon and Msaki combo of Bossanova and South African house.

Enjoy the day ahead friends!