existabovethenoise

When Andrew J. Lucas makes a special request, I dig deep and give the man what he wants. If you recall, he specifically asked for a guys version of the blog post ‘Beauty Tips for the Trav’lin Woman.’ While I was wracking my brain to find commonalities that could be shared amongst all men, I surveyed the guys I’ve liked in the past and couldn’t find anything useful to offer. No, really. It’s sad. Instead, what I came up with was an embarrassing list of complete turn offs.

I’m ashamed to admit most of them out loud. They actually say more about me or my “jerkbutt” (PG13) exes than they do about any man of future interest, but perhaps there’s some nugget of useful information for the average guy. If not, you can judge me (but really just judge the guys I’ve dated before) and get a laugh at my (their) expense. Either way, Andy’s work here is done.

5 – Grammar matters: I email like I text – or at least I used to in graduate school until I started to get guys who tried to do the same with me. And they took it too far. If I can’t read any of your emails/texts because they’re full of typos or grammatically incorrect sentences (not excusable if English is your first or second language), I’m absolutely not interested in talking to you face to face – EVER. “U loked gud 2nite. whenim gon c u again? [EMOTICON],” is the appropriate message to send to a girl like me when you want to date a girl who is nothing like me.

4 – I’m not a label whore, but I am a trend setter: Catch up! I can’t dress men, so don’t ask me to pick out your tie. But, if you don’t look dressed appropriately, I will judge you. I can’t exactly put my finger on it, but there is the guy who wears Brooks Brothers shirts as if he were a ten year old boy coming back from recess. And there’s the guy who wears a button down from Marshall’s and a skinny tie from the swap meet and I think: GREEN LIGHT (3:45)! Find your own swagger factor, because I’m batting a thousand at helping guys grow one.

3 – If your philosophies about life don’t match how you live your own life, it’s best for you to keep your philosophy to yourself: Or don’t date me, cause I’ll rip you a new one over dinner and I won’t hand you a band aid for dessert. I take no prisoners when it comes to self righteous rants about curing world evil or undoing the work of “The Man.” I hate to hear investment bankers drone on about how we should undo global injustice or womanizers talk about grooming our next generation. FOH. If you can’t explain how it is that you spend 10 hours of a 16 hour waking day doing something that’s in complete contradiction to your philosophy on life, then it’s best for you NOT to share your philosophy with me – trust me, your manhood won’t make it out alive.

2 – If you remind me of any of my exes, don’t call us. We’ll call you: This one might seem obvious, but it’s worth repeating. While my exes are solid people now that they are completely and totally unattached to me (phew), they are exes for a reason. I’m not looking for anybody who even conjures up a similarity. Oddly enough my exes are nothing like each another, so I have to tier my “vomit in my mouth, I can’t date you” reactions or else I’ll be dateless in Delhi. But, if I catch déjà vu too many times, I promise I’m on the next train back to Kansas. And I’m taking Toto #noprenup.

1 – If I feel bigger than you in any way, this will never work. No, trust me. It won’t. I’ve tried (twice): If we’re ‘play fighting’ and I’m winning, this relationship has an expiration date that I can predict. “I am nobody’s lightweight” and I have to feel small next to my other half. It’s my one hold out gesture of traditional girliness that I absolutely require. Rest assured, if I weigh more than you, am taller than you, and/or my waistline is larger than yours, I’m sizing up whether I can wear my 4 inch heels when we go out, if I should just lift that heavy box myself… and..uh… when’s a good time to break it to you that this just isn’t going to work out.

Perhaps you ladies have some other shamefully true turn offs that you’d like to share?

I’m on a roll with these list posts, so why change a good thing? As some of you may have already heard, I’m planning an Afro-inspired Music party. This includes everything from reggaeton to kuduro. There will be a sign on the front door that says, “CAUTION: Only grown folks who aren’t afraid of doing grown folks things, while listening to grown folks music should enter this house, on this night, for this party.” This is not a joke.

Yesterday, I spent the day with 2 new friends, a hookah and Youtube. These two guys – Puerto Rican and Congolese – completely schooled ya’ girl on what needs to be played. That said, I have to represent for my Pud (Kimbella voice) Emily who I’m sure has already snarled under her breath “snitch you Black!” Translation: I am African American, straight Yankee, not from nowhere else but Africa somewhere and the U. S. of A. (represent!!). So, Gucci Mane, T-Pain, Lil’ Wayne and Wale already have a secured place in the playlist. And, since I’ve been listening to Mika Mendes’ MÁGICO (click for music) and Loony Johnson’s Kada Vez Mas Bonita (click for music) all week, the Zouk, Posada, Funana (click for music) are all covered. I didn’t say it’d be new music – just relevant music.

Nevertheless, the guys added a lot more vibes to the review. Just to give you a flavor of the artists who will be getting big spins – read ahead, my friends, and click often.

5 – P. Square are Jos, Nigeria’s Ying Yang twins, except these two are actually twins. Identical even! I’ve danced to ‘E No Easy’ (click for music video) many times, but never bothered to Shazam it. I fully plan to walk around as a drum major when this song comes on. I suspect that even if you’re listening to it while cleaning your living room on a Sunday afternoon, your duster will turn into a baton too.

4 – Fally Ipupa is from the Congo and I have no idea what he’s saying in this song (or any others for that matter). But, Jupka (click for music video) makes me want to move my waistline and shoulder blades. And this video is an added bonus, because it gives me permission to wear sunglasses all night AND to have a blonde front and center in all the party photos. SCORE!

3 – Chino & Nacho are Venezuelan heart throbs who don’t look one lick of brown. But, everybody knows that cornrows, merengue and Venezuela have deep African roots, so we will be playing Niña Bonita (click for music video) and I expect there to be screaming girls.

2 – Romeo Santos (formerly of the Bronx bachata band Aventura) and Spain’s flamenco guitarist Tomatito need no introduction. But, I had never heard of their collaboration on La Diabla/ Mi Santa (click for music video) until yesterday. It will be played. I will pretend I know how to dance bachata. There will be no horses.

1 – Kingston Jamaica’s own Konshens wins not just because all the skrippers, i mean, dancers can actually wukk up and whine in Gal A Bubble (click for music video). But because they don’t all have faces like manbeastwretches the way MANY “dancers” in reggae videos do. Yup, I said it! Just cause you hot from the neck down does NOT mean we need to be subjected to your face for 3-5 minutes. Though, I can’t help but wink up every time I hear this song, rest assured, I will NOT be wearing poom poom shorts at my party. Nor will there be a hose for outdoor, car washing purposes. Perhaps, inside.

Enter at your own risk!