The Leaving in Living

Pack out preparations are underway. My condo was shown to two sets of potential renters this weekend. Strategies to sell a car on the quick have been fast ablaze in my head. Undoing what has taken a year and a half and two apartments to build is no easy task – mentally, physically or emotionally. It’s all in the things we carry. And I’m always preparing to, transitioning towards, thinking about, leaving it all behind. No wonder there are so many things that I have yet to see or do in the nation’s capital. I have been preparing to leave since I got here.

A friend who had previously lived here came back to town this weekend and we hit some of the regular haunts: Dupont Circle, Georgetown, U Street. You know, where 20 somethings go when they haven’t really the slightest intention of getting to know the ‘real’ DC. Thrilled with the Potomac, not interested in the Anacostia. Speaking of which, we spent an unseasonably brisk hour on a boat tour in the Potomac. Aside from the unabashedly cynical and liberal tour guide’s jibes at the world, I came away thinking of all the things I hadn’t yet seen in DC. I haven’t gone to the top of the Washington Monument. I’ve never been inside the Kennedy Center. I never made it to Roosevelt Island. Mind you, I’m only talking about the desirable sections of town. There’s always so much to see and so much to do, even in the places in which we don’t want to be. Being in a constant state of transition makes it easy to explain why I haven’t yet set foot on every inch of tourist ground. Nevertheless, there is always the lingering feeling of having missed out on something special.

Parting is always such sweet sorrow, because it reminds me that special is relative. The lessons learned from life in DC have been special. The friends? Special. The firsts? Special. Navigating the circles? Special. But, this experience of living and leaving is, for me, not that special at all. Digging in deep to enjoy the bits and spaces that are accessible in the time frame available is quite familiar to me. So, it’s also special to know that there is, in fact, a whole block in Takoma Park where consecutive lawns host magical fairy, wildlife animals. Macs Tire Repair in NE is, in fact, open 24 hours. And Teddy’s Roti does make phlourie and saltfish roti – even on Sunday.

The valuable bits of local knowledge that get residents to and fro often overshadow the pressing need to see what the tourists see. Yet, the local bits can be undervalued, as props on a main stage set to the backdrop of a nation’s imagination of itself.  The view doesn’t include the homeless veterans, addicts and families that live on DC’s streets. It doesn’t begin to taste the lead in the pipes or help navigate a left turn off New York Avenue. On the other hand, over taxed taxpayers without tourists does not a nation’s capital make.

So, what can you do? Whether tourist or townie, I would be hard pressed to deny that sometimes it really is just flat out gorgeous to head towards Union Station and see the Capitol building aglow. It is in such moments that I’m reminded that I’m precisely where I need to be, and it doesn’t really matter the cause for my being present or how long I plan to be here.

Two years would be considered a long tourist stay, but definitely not long enough to be adopted as a native. Although, more time wouldn’t mean that I would undoubtedly add a doubledecker bus tour to the daily planner. Sometimes it’s not about having more time. Because, with more time, it’s not necessarily true that I’d do all the things I didn’t care to do in the time I previously had. Perhaps it is precisely because time has been so limited that, thus far, I have even seen as much as I have.

It is true to say that my impressions of DC are born of few lived memories rather than a plethora of tried, tested and reviewed experiences. Both are valuable, though, neither more ‘true’ than the other. For me, authenticity is moot when the intention is to maximize the positive. Whatever it takes to get from point A to point B has it’s place in the life span of a longer than normal transition and a shorter than normal residency. It is not the best of both worlds. It is not a time to sow oats while waiting for real life to begin. It is both the process and the path of living life in my peep toe pumps: always the bag lady, dancing in a sundress and a scarf, at a crossroads between one enchanting rock face of the earth and another, chanting “Ora ye yeo, Oxum!”

Damn you, Irene!

This post is long and late. It almost didn’t happen, actually. I was supposed to be in New York City and, thus, this post was supposed to be about the glamorous grit of my favorite city in America and it was supposed to be written while I cozied up in my over-priced, midtown east hotel room. But, nooooo…. this, Queen bee0tch Irene checked ya girl. For real, for real. So, on Friday night I asked myself, “Self, does not being in your planned destination mean that you shouldn’t blog this weekend?” Myself replied just a few minutes ago, and said “Don’t let nobody block yo’ shine.” So, there! Irene – 0, Me – 1, and you all may, in fact, be the biggest losers of all. You all are stuck reading my free-writing on relationships. I apologize, in advance, because it’s sure to make no sense and have no point… Sorry.

Fact: I have no idea what a successful, amorous relationship looks like. But, I’m preaching matters of the ruptured heart, because that I know all too well. I spent the night of Irene’s DC debut downing Bota Box wine with my neighbor, watching My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, talking about failed relationships, dating in DC, online match making sites, and unrealistic expectations. I spoke to another friend on Friday about why she deserved better than the inconsistent and partial reciprocity she’s been getting from the love of her life. Before that, I spent days talking to a friend about his ex-girlfriend dependency gone awry, and why his ex kinda, sorta asked for the shiner she got from the new guy she’s seeing/sharing (read: silly hood rats get away with treating good guys like doormats and, when they deal with scum bags, the likelihood that keeping it real will go wrong increases exponentially- NO SYMPATHY!). And before that, I was at Georgetown Harbor chatting it up with friends about why men should pay for every meal & why I’m used to paying for meals; why men should always plan dates & why I pretty much have planned every date I’ve ever been on. The list continues, but it is far too embarrassing to share further.  After we exhaled, my Bota Box partner sent me home with a prayer and her arsenal: Iyanla Vanzant’s In the Meantime and Steve Harvey’s Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. I’m a little scared to read the former. I spent all day reading the latter. And now I’m depressed.

First, I don’t know anything about men. Who are they? I get the idea that what they make and what they do, is defining, but I don’t get why that’s just a male characteristic. Trust me, I’ve worked harder, better, faster, stronger to get where I am academically and professionally than many of my peers – male or female. So, after 6 years, 2 ivy league degrees, 4 continents, 2 passports, countless fully armored vehicles, 300+ overtime hours of Blackberry harassment, and an impending 16% pay cut, I’ve earned my stripes. I appreciate a man’s hustle when it’s real and on point. But, in a ball busting contest on careers, I’m not backing down. I’ve been through them before, because most men hint that they won’t have a serious relationship with me unless I leave my job.

So, let me spell this out. Nice and C-L-E-A-R: for children, anything is possible. But, for a full grown, adult, partner, with all his faculties: I’m not compromising. I’m not stroking ‘neh body’s ego, if the ego is all he’s got. Either you’re doing your thing or you’re not. Don’t worry about me, cause I stay winning. I can bet you dollars to donuts that I’m not that worried about what you’re doing, if you’re doing something worth something. And if I’m not worried, I will make you a happy man. Support is one thing. But, if you’re not about yours, then frankly you’re not doing me any favors. So, explain, why do I have to fake it til’ you make it? I am not…wait for it…the one.

Second, I was born in the mid 80s. Hence, I caught the tail end of Jody Watley – not Joan Cleaver.  I swear, until about December of last year, it never occurred to me to think about my partner as a provider for me. Our future, fictitious children? Yes. Me? Hell to the naw. What do I look like? I’ve worked since I was thirteen. When I started my own mag, I found a way to pay off 20Gs in start up costs in 5 years – while in college, full time. Point? I am Joan Clayton with Toni Childs’ never go back to Fresno (ahem: Newark) fund. I’m not never going to be without. The messages, subliminal and overt, I learned from childhood all screamed “don’t depend on any one for any thing, ever. For ever, ever? For ever, EVER!”

I went to a women’s college. I had boyfriends who weren’t complete douche bags. I mean… really… I thought I was doing ok, not being dependent on guys. Not asking for gifts, paying for meals, being as undemanding as possible – aside from asking for the freedom to be who I am. And, let’s be honest, who I am is not easy to put up with.

A mani, pedi, brow wax, brioche french toast, tall iced soy mocha, American Apparel leotard, 7 peanut butter cookies and 24 hours later, Steve Harvey’s Stacy Adams suit wearing self comes to tell me, I’m effed up in the game? DAMN DAMN DAYUM! So, how do I walk it back? How can I be so good at telling my friends about their really crappy relationships and I can’t see the more subtle, but definitely present, dead ends right in front of my face?

I haven’t been beaten or cheated on (to my knowledge), so I guess I’m ahead in some ways. But, do I really have to give a man the big piece of chicken to keep him around? I don’t eat meat. Do I really have to stop doing the adventurous things I love to do, because he can’t protect me while I’m doing them? I think bullet proof vests are heavy, but still kinda cool. More importantly, if I’m really in charge of setting the tone for the relationship, at what point am I supposed to hand over responsibility to him and let him ‘lead’ our family? Guide to transitions please!

When I read this book all I heard was (1) a guy likes a woman who has it all together before he meets her, and (2) he certainly expects that she’ll unravel all of that togetherness if she wants to keep him for life (togetherness exceptions include taking care of kids from a previous relationship and going to church, because everybody knows that everyone who reads Black relationship books must be god-fearing Christians – SMH!). So, what about the hard headed, worth every dime, loyal, adventurous, nurturing, creative, adaptable, value added woman who actually likes who she is, what she has, and wants a guy to up the ante, but really, honestly, truly, has always worn the pants and doesn’t know anything else? How do we, I mean – I, I mean – she, get to the place where I’m supposed to be part Beyonce, part Carol Brady, and part Whitney Houston (pre-crack), when in real life, I’m part Jazmine Sullivan, part Hillary Clinton, part Jada Pinkett-Smith and all me?

I get that these guides to relationships make sense when you’re so fatigued by love’s evil twin, douchebaggery, that you’re so desperate to find a valuable partner that you’re willing to disregard everything you believe about life and your valued place in it. I also get that my generation is in this weird in between place where women are supposed to be 21st century independent everywhere else but in their own homes where they go all early 20th with their partner.  The recession means that my generation is full of highly indebted, late bloomers, so providing can be an issue and it has nothing to do with ambition. But, in DC, the majority of the single population is college educated and earning that contractor paper. The pool is large, but I’m a big girl and I swim in oceans.

Sometimes it’s dangerous, but it’s a big part of who I am: the woman  who actually does the stuff she says she’s doing, goes to the places she says she’s going, and isn’t afraid to be her beautifully flawed human self. Nuff long talkin’… time for action! Where does my integrity come in? After I’m done stroking your ego and being someone I’m not, then will you love me for life? Steve? WTF? I’m confused…

The real point is that I, like everybody else, want to find a meaningful relationship. You know, the fairy tale that’s grounded in today’s realities. But, I don’t want to stop being who I am to get it. AND, if I’ve never really seen a successful marriage, is scouring the negative space around all of my friends’, family members’, and ancestors’ failed and infuriating relationships the only tactic I’ve got? You know, aside from Steve Harvey’s bible on successful boo-loving?

How is this supposed to work? When is it too late to start over?  What if all this works, but I still think it’s a crock of crap? Am I too principled for my own good? Am I letting guys get away with too much? Do most guys cheat on their wives and then discover how to be good men? Are men really like children? If so, can I make mine go out back and get a switch when he acts up? My spirit is broken, my head hurts and I blame this all on Irene.