Skinnier ever after

Dosas in Delhi

I went home and realized that I was clearly fat again. Kinda sucks, right? Right! Apparently my family and friends are better at lying to me than I am to myself to because they seemed to not remember the time when I was a visible size 4/6. But, I REMEMBER! And the current me and that skinny girl are on a quest to be reunited.

Are there unique obstacles I face? Yes. I can’t breathe the air in this city, so walking outside for a few laps during lunch is out of the question. While we all have to reduce our calorie intake, most people I know aren’t worried that there’s clarified butter and MSG in every meal they eat in a restaurant. But, those are my realities and not excuses.

What about the advantages of putting my fat foot down? Well, in Delhi the cost of a personal training session (in home) is $20 a pop. My maid could cook every meal if I wanted her to. And, frankly, lipo is cheap. Add it all up and I’ve got my mojo back.

I’m ready to try again to be a more fit, healthier me. While this would seem to be a singular process, I imagine that this would take a toll on my friends and family too. How many articles from Men’s Health can I send to work mates before they get pissed? And how many times can I turn down a host’s overtures to have a sugary, sypurey Indian sweet before they are all out offended?

Here’s a short list of the ways that I believe my workout plan will affect those around me. Forgive me in advance and thanks for your support!

Sweets in Paris

5- I’m going to be a lot less fun to be around: I can’t drink as much alcohol or eat out at as many random restaurants. I can’t even consume the proper amount of calories per day for a person of my height and that means I’ll be a grumpy camper. We all know how much I love food, and just the thought of not having it makes me a Debbie Downer. So, don’t take it personally when I try to eat your hand.

 

 

Banana rice in Bangkok

4- I’m going to say “I’m so fat” a lot. Don’t try to stop me: I do not have an eating disorder (anymore, j/k) and I don’t have weird body image issues. I just know that I’m fat right now. So, don’t try to dissuade me. It will not turn out well for you. Trade comments like “you sure can’t tell” for “you sure hide it well,” because I will not buy the idea that I am not visibly bigger having gained 15 pounds in a year. I’ll just consider you a liar or clinically blind.

 

Guadelopean creole fish in Paris

3- I’ll tell you now that I don’t want to go clothes shopping with you: You can fit things and I can’t. So, yea… no!

 

 

 

 

Lemon Tart in Mumbai

2- You should discourage me from buying shoes: When I go overboard shoe shopping, it means I’m trying to find a way around the fact that I can’t go clothes shopping. Yes, I am a shoe freak, but the freak goes Frankenstein haywire when I can’t fit any clothes. If the shoes are particularly fabulous, be prepared to stand down. But, if they are peep toe stilettos, just know that I am trying to overcompensate. Remind me how many training sessions I could pay for with those shoes!

 

Teddy’s Roti in DC

1- I do plan to be your skinn(ier) friend some day and I swear I’ll make up for everything I put you through! I’ll be lighter on my feet when we go dancing, and I’ll make you fresh fruit juices and bake you vegan cupcakes that actually taste good. I don’t plan to be Oscar the Grouch forever, just until I’m satisfied that I am no longer shaped like Big Bird.

6 thoughts on “Skinnier ever after

    • Yea, you’re probably right, but it took going home to realize I was suffering from the “first world problem” called lazyassedness. Now I’m paying somebody else to make me unlazy…. vicious, vicious cycle and still a “first world problem”

  1. Oh my beautiful and bootiful Oprah, I completely understand your pain and agony over body weight. . . One solution that I have found which has taught me to exhibit a ton of self control is portion control. Rather than stopping myself from eating all the things I love dear. I literally leave half my food on the plate. . . also small steps. . . you already eat healthier than most. . .I know none of this is going to change how you feel. . . And I can never promise you I will stop you from buying a pair of cute peeptoe stiletto pumps because I too overcompensate with shoes. . . But I can promise you that however big (or small) you are you are beautiful and this struggle will pass (whether it be buying bigger clothes that you not only fit in but look good on you too or by losing the weight!)

    Love ya much

    Your Gayle

  2. Hire that personal trainer ASAP!!! And train at least 3-4 times a week. You can still drink alcohol, but use diet soda or club soda to mix it with. And yes, have your maid cook healthy, broiled, grilled meals and take them to work with you for lunch. Do not skip breakfast!

    • Trainer? Hired. Alcohol of choice? Rum and diet coke (b/c gin and soda tastes like what I imagine Lysol tastes like). The maid cooks? Sauteed veggies and washes/cuts fruit for juices. On Breakfast? My trainer says to have breakfast like a King, lunch like a Prince and dinner like a pauper. I struggle w/ this b/c clearly I’m a Goddess (teehee), but yea… do handfuls of dry Honey Nut Cheerios, out of the box, at my desk at work count as breakfast?

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