I started off this year with no resolutions. Instead, I started off in a slump and it’s unclear if I’ve actually gotten out of it. Why, you may ask? A sure fire diagnostic is my fierce approximation to all things ratchet in an attempt to escape my funk. It’s similar to my tendency to buy shoes when I’m escaping feeling fat AND hyper scheduling my vacations at the start of the year to avoid focusing on one more year of work.
I know this pattern. I put down the Economist and have been feverishly reading blogbloids on Amina Buddafly and Tara’s project twins. I’ve changed my privacy settings on Facebook to block new people and unblock bad blood. Safe to say, I’m acting like Janet Hubert and courting ratchet trouble.
To get this out of my system fully, I’ve decided to create a retail therapy inspired ratchet wish list. If I can possibly contain and collect ratchetness, rather than actually enact and embody it, I think that’s a 2016 win.
5. My hair has had just about enough of these dainty chemical free botanical moisturizers. It’s time to step away from the Carol’s Daughter products and go straight back into the arms of ole’ ratchet Fantasia. Let’s take it back to where it all began 16 yrs ago when I started my dreadlocks. I C Hair Tea at $7/ bottle used to last months and I smelled like cotton candy for weeks. Maybe this isn’t exactly ratchet, but… it feels like a step down off the sophisticated, overly hair conscious, natural hair shenanigans train.
4. I was reading up on the most expensive curtain purchase heard of in the modern history of public spending. I’m just kidding. I don’t know where this stacks up against wasteful misuse of public funds but apparently Kenya has a radio station: ghettoradio.co.ke that reported on this ghettoness and it made me long for ratchet curtains… For the record 7.8 Million Kenyan Shilling is around $75,000USD.
3. 
The Ta Ta Top are nipples on a bikini top. While they were made to be an evocative feminist ode to the female choice to expose (or not) her own body, I think they are really ratchet. And for some reason, I think it’d be hilarious if I could own and fully utilize the shock and awe they produce to laugh me out of my funk. #thetatatop
2. I find this entire website pretty ratchet [and slightly desparate], but whodathunk they also have a shopping cart? http://www.wifeyntraining.com took a series of Afro-American classics and made each and every one of them ratchet. How can one make Oprah, the Color Purple and plain white t-shirts all ratchet at the same damn time? #ratchetpiecetheater
Pantyhoez’ ratchet hip hop panties. Check out the ‘rap pack’ collection… No explanation necessary. #pears #watermelons #pineapples !
As you can see… my slump is pretty bad, but that’s no reason not to laugh at my pain.
I made breakfast for dinner last night and the ratchet part is that I didn’t make any grits! Total breakfast blasphemy. Spicy soy sausages and Krusteaz pancakes minus Bob’s Red Mill Corn Grits does not a true meal make. I’m hoping that a few more days lounging in the sun near the pool with an ice cold Savannah will help cure me of my ratchet inclinations and reverse my slow start to this new year.
Wish me luck!
existabovethenoise 
Now these things are pretty ratchet especially Amina and Tara’s twins and those pantyhoez. I almost died at the name lol. By the way I love Krusteaz products.
Even Krusteaz is pretty ratchet. I think it’s very easy to pronounce that as Crusty A$$ and get away with it. My ratchet quotient is still too high 🙂
Pingback: FAQs on me… | existabovethenoise