Fashion | existabovethenoise

A few weeks ago, I had the awesome honor of creating a document that would guide a Q&A for former Secretary Madeleine K. Albright. I mean, what kind of task was that, really? …Considering my feeble little mind couldn’t possibly throw her off with some new trick question she hadn’t already been asked in her… uhh… oh, I don’t know… three decades of being awesomely famous, clearly I was writing more for my own satisfaction rather than for her preparation. But, one question struck me as particularly simple and brilliant, if I may say so myself. And, I do. (I do. I doo oohhh.)

In some sick twist of fate, I ended up traveling when she actually spoke, so I didn’t get the satisfaction of hearing her answer my really good question. So, I was left with a mean question hangover that kept me up at night. I think this kind of persistent pondering, my friends, can only be soothed by answering my favorite question myself. Here goes.

“Is there a place in the world that you have not yet visited that you would like to? If so, where and why?” (Yes, I know I ended that question with a preposition – don’t judge me.)

Since, I’m not famous and I haven’t been traveling that long – comparatively speaking – I have a laundry list:

Where: Milan, Italy Why: Because I have expensive taste. As I am on the curvier side of shapely, I’ve always admired the Italian taste for accentuating the positive. For reasons related to a $4,000 Dolce & Gabbana dress I once tried on at the Mall at Short Hills, I am convinced that I am meant to wear Italian crafted mid calf dresses. Paid for by? Some unnamed, as yet unknown, poor sucker. The curves? Well, those are all (African) American. Call me global #shouldershrug.
Where: Curaçao Why: Why not? A beautiful blue drink has been named after this place, which means the country must share some of this alcoholic beverage’s positive attributes. The only other country I’ve been to of Dutch patronage is Suriname and I absolutely loved that place. So, Curaçao can’t fail. Unless, of course, I have to speak Dutch.
Where: Durban, South Africa Why: I like to read near the beach. I’ve always been fascinated by Africa, but the longer I studied race and national identity the more interested I became in southern Africa, as a whole, and South Africa, in particular. Since, I’m demanding enough to want to study culture beachside, Durban just feels right.
Where: São Tomé and Príncipe Why: Because I would tell the best stories at cocktail parties. “Hellooooww dahleeng, where ever did you go during your summer holiday?” “Oh just boring ole’ Paris. You know that’s where Frank and I PACSed.” “And you, Sugar Plum, where ever did you go?” “ I went to São Tomé and Príncipe and had a jolly ole time out there frolicking with our dear friends on the beach. One year, we will have to take you and Frank with us, dahleeng.” Yup, that’s pretty much how I expect the banter at every work cocktail party to go after I come back from one of the most isolated and obscure island nations of the world. Beat that Pitcairn Islands!
Where: Andaman Islands, India Why? Because I stole this from someone. This one is a bit of a cheat, but hear me out. So, a woman arrived here just a few months back and told me about the Jarawa people of the Andaman islands. I definitely know of the Siddi or Siddhi populations throughout India, but I have only recently learned about the endangered people that are the Jarawa. Now, I do understand that my visiting them on their native islands (that and in-breeding) may in fact lead to their extinction. So, we’ll see how long it takes me to get a permit to visit. Perhaps, by then I may change my mind and go to the Maldives before they sink into the sea.
Where: Swains Island, U.S. Why? I’m convinced this place doesn’t actually exist. I won’t go into great detail about the lengthy exchange that led to my discovery of this island. “Is a green card holder a U.S. national? What about some one from Guam? Northern Mariana Islands, no? Oh, shizznit! That’s right, Gilligan’s Island was based on Swains Island. Troo dat! Thanks for schooling me, son son. DYNOMIIITTE!” It didn’t quite go like that, but I’ll leave it to you to determine which parts are fiction, including whether or not Swains actually exists.
Where: Monaco Why? I’m bourgie. I didn’t realize how stoosh Europe could be until I went to the Arab funded south of Spain and got a whiff of the perfumed exhaust fumes of Mazaratis in Puerto Banus. I’m expecting Monaco to top that, and that’s a whole lotta toppa topping.
Where: Panama Why? Honestly? Because I heard reggaeton started there and the country looks really beautiful in pictures. That is all. (Drop the mic and walk offstage)
Where: Oaxaca, Mexico Why? I’ve been to the annexed territory of Oaxaca that is Brooklyn, and I’m dying to get to the mother ship! I’ve never been to Mexico – partially because I’m pretty picky about the Iberian descendant countries I frequent. I’m not sure of my internal criteria, but I do know I have some kind of criteria floating around in there. Needless to say, once I realized that Cali Mexicans were not actually from the same part of Mexico (a DUH!) as my hometown NYC/NJ Mexicans, I grew a curiosity to get to the root of what I know to be Mexican culture. And I’d also like to cook better tacos in the future.
Where: Laos Why? A friend of a friend in college was a hot Laotian guy who apparently could cook very well. And one thing I like about as much as clothing I don’t pay for is food! I’m told Laos is less a planned zen tourist attraction than Cambodia, less developed than Vietnam, and so – overall – more “me” than other South East Asian countries. Did I mention that I heard that their hot guys cook great food?

Now that I’ve spilled my guts, I’m wondering…what about you?

I have traveled to 5 continents over the last 10 years and with each trip I learned a little something new about beauty. Where there is beauty there is fashion, where there is fashion there is haute couture. And no matter where in the world you may be, there are many (not) ‘it girls.’ We have all met them. In their own context, within their own country, they think that wearing a combination of caked on makeup, kohl and threads from a 90s music video solidify their position as the hottest thing since fresh baked Krispy Kreme donuts. Suffice it to say, the misses are many. But among them are a few quintessential hits. Often as overpriced as watermelon at Whole Foods, the hits seem to cost a fortune. That’s what credit cards are for (right, Suze Orman?). Without bemoaning the issue, I’ll simply say that there are 5 beauty lessons for a normal budget that I have learned in my travels. They haven’t failed me yet.

5 – Baby powder ($2-4): This one I first learned in high school, so biggups to Massachusetts suburbs! At the tender age of teens, I learned that I am the notoriously sweaty girl. Back, boobs, pits, if it has a name – it’s sweating. So, at every school dance I was the girl who walked around with paper towels and stood right near the fan. Or (literally, I did this – multiple times) I was liable to wipe my whole face on a guy’s tshirt in the middle of a song. The sweaty face thing I have found to be unavoidable, though some people find blotting sheets ($5) very useful. But, baby powder was awesome with every place else. Don’t lay it on too thick, or else you’ll look like Casper. An even layer on all the important places will do. I’m not sure if it simply blocks your pores or takes your sweat glands out to dinner and a movie, but my powder wing man hasn’t failed me yet.

4 – Eyebrow shavers ($3-5): A colleague and I were in Pakistan talking about the woes of the femmestache. I shared how, originally, I didn’t think mine was that noticeable, but whenever I wore dark lipstick my 5 o’clock femmestache would reappear. And then there were the nice ladies (read: bastards) at the eyebrow threading shop who always asked if I wanted to have my upper lip done too. One day I was too weak to resist and I agreed to what turned out to be the worst idea ever. I felt like someone was pulling the skin off my face one millimeter at a time. So, I tried waxing. Less pain, I thought. Sure, less pain. But as it turns out my upper lip looked 2 shades lighter than the rest of my face and I had bumps and red irritation for a week. This colleague gave the “pishaw!” to all my woes and told me a beauty secret I’ve only told 2 other people in life: Go to your drug store, by a pack of eyebrow razors and use them – liberally – on your upper lip, while in the comfort of your own home! The hair doesn’t grow back thicker, you’ll never cut yourself, you won’t get bumps and you can finally tell those eyebrow ladies to suck it!

3 – Black eye makeup ($2-20): If you’ve ever been to Dubai you know that a woman can be covered from head to toe and still be the most gorgeous creature on the planet. It seems that Emirati women, like most Muslim and Middle Eastern women, go all out on the eye makeup. Most don’t bother with Wet & Wild colors. They delve straight into the smoky eye. I was traumatized by a few raccoon eyes in my NJ days and I was a bit skeptical about stealing the kohl look for myself. But, I tried wearing it to carnival in Salvador da Bahia back in 2008 and my eye makeup and I have never parted since. Anybody who knows me knows that no matter how ‘nude’ my look, I feel naked without mascara and black liner. Some situations don’t require using both, but no matter what – eye definition never hurt nobody. Actually, it makes most women’s facial features POP. Not that you asked…but I’m personally not a fan of liquid liner. Any pencil will do. And my favorite mascaras are Cover Girl’s Lash Blast and MAC’s Haute & Naughty Lash Mascara.

2 – Choose your Shoes ($20-$250): I have bought shoes all over the world, and hands down my favorite place to go shoe shopping is in Sao Paulo, Brazil (New York is second and Geneva, Switzerland is a far off third). They are affordable. They are fun. And they are always avant garde. Enough about the shoe shopping capital of my world. The point here is that if you have a good pair of shoes, you have an outfit. Most of us ladies go from day to evening unexpectedly. But that doesn’t mean our wallets can justify buying a completely new outfit on our lunch break. Who woulda thunk that tonight would be the night that el Hunk-o who works upstairs would call and ask if you want to grab drinks after work? Or that your boss would volunteer you for an offsite speaking event? Well, choose your shoes wisely ladies and don’t be afraid to pack an extra pair (I usually wear flats and keep the real foot candy in my bag). As we speak, I have three pairs of shoes at my desk at work. Sneakers – in case I’m ready to work out or need to Usain Bolt out of the building because of a sudden emergency (yes, I’m changing shoes!). A pair of black suede pointed toe pumps, because even though they hurt like hell they go with everything. And a pair of comfortable brown peep toe stilettos, cuz’ you never know when you have to go to an outside meeting with male colleagues. They always walk too damn fast, but expect you to keep up and still be at eye level. Needless to say, having these stock shoes in the office mean that I can come to work wearing flip flops or stripper boots — depending on my mood — and I’m prepared for whatever the day brings. It’s cheaper to change shoes on a whim than to have to buy a wardrobe every time the schedule changes. And, invest the time in finding a good cobbler. It is much easier to maintain a pair of shoes you love than to replace them every time they are nicked.

1- Act your age, not your shoe size (PRICELESS): Perhaps this one is universal, but episodes of Mob Wives would have me believe that Long Island may have missed the memo. Wear age appropriate clothing! And by age, I don’t just mean the years you have spent on this earth – I also mean the spirit of your body type. When I was 13, I couldn’t wear Mandee’s clothes. Why? Because, I had the body type of an 18 year old, not that of the tween those threads were made for. So, I had to suck it up and move on to other brands that weren’t so offensive to the eye. That said, there is a lot of variety in the ‘age appropriate’ category, and that’s where you get to wear your common sense on your sleeve, literally. Knowing what looks good and feels good on your body requires lots of honest introspection. You better do it girl, because the fashion 5-0 are out there and they’ll write you a ticket and NEVER tell you about your violation. You can’t always trust other people to give you good feedback, so do your homework and wear things that flatter the body you do have – not the body you wish you had. Wear (your clothes) maturely!